Being the red-blooded American that I am, I can’t help but be enthralled with the Olympic Games: High-speed skating, aerial ski jumps, rough-and-tumble hockey, and men twirling on ice in a delightful combination of sequins and spandex.
Yes, it gets right into the core of me.
But with the exhilaration of watching these lithe, toned, athletic machines, comes that familiar pang of disheartening regret.
For I am not an Olympic athlete.
Although, to be fair, I do run 35 miles a week and have a resting heart rate of 55.
But alas, I will never mount that grand podium or feel the weight of gold around my neck. Nor will I entertain sponsors or flit about in flag-printed tracksuits.
But it is of no matter, for I have, in an attempt to assuage my open wounds of inadequacy, created an array of alternate Olympic events at which I am confident I’d come away the victor.
The committee can contact me directly for adoption. Potential opponents can contact me directly to commiserate.
Olympic Fro-Yo Survival: this will test the brute resilience of a competitor in surviving solely on sugar-free, peanut-butter-cup flavored frozen yogurt.
Olympic Excuse-Making: may the best reason to get out of a meeting/date/appointment/(ahem)relationship win.
Olympic Vehicle Demolition: The first to wreck their car three times in one year takes the gold.
Olympic Freestyle Living-Room Dancing: Points will be calculated based on a 2/3 ratio of neurotic/unsexy.
Olympic iPhone-Shatterer: This one is self-explanatory (and extremely expensive, believe me).
Olympic Shoe-Buyer: Speed plus style are imperative. As is an AmEx.
Readers, committee-members: no need to thank me.
PS – when do I get my track suit?
2 comments:
Hilarious. And you really would win. Um...what the heck is with the other comments on this post? :)
Your boyfriend used to be a good friend of mine. I think he finally met his match in you. And I'm stoked for him (and both of you) that that's the case. Love your blog.
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