Monday, January 18, 2010

And the humiliation goes to . . .


If the excess of sweeping gowns and molded smiles on magazine pages and entertainment news stations wasn’t enough to tip you off, let it be known: award season is upon us.

Golden Globes, Oscars, SAGs, Emmys, Grammys, Tonys . . . it’s enough to keep Sunday night television around and People Magazine in business for three months of the year.

And while the accolades for actors, actresses, producers, directors, musicians and designers pile up, I find myself regretful that the year’s more spell-binding, more dramatic, and, let’s be honest, more entertaining “performances” aren't receiving the necessary attention.

So, in an attempt to give credit where credit is due, I’d like to offer the following awards, for a full and – umm – compelling 2009.

Best Multiple-Cheater Award: Obviously, this one goes out to Tiger. Lucky for David Letterman, this hit the fan just before the close of the calendar year.

Most Tasteless Relationship: This one’s a toss-up between the Mel Gibson/Oksana-whoever affair and the John Gosselin-college co-ed match-up. The Gibson duo have iced the cake with a pregnancy, but John Gosselin continues to sport an earring and way too much Ed Hardy. Obviously John wins.

Biggest Hollywood Weenie: Chris Brown. In fact, I’m convinced that had she not been seated in a limo, Rhianna totally could have taken him.

Most delusion self-image: “I’m more of a modern Mother Teresa.” – Heidi Montag. This statement might have actually been a bigger mistake than her music video (which is now burned into my subconscious, thank you YouTube).

Worst Idea of the Year: Socialized healthcare. There. I said it.

Best Pro-Athlete Let-Down: Michael Phelps? Alex Rodriguez? No. David Beckham. Why is he STILL married?

Saddest Rejection: Do we award this for Madonna’s inability to adopt another child? Or for Tony Romo dropping Jessica on her birthday? We’ll call it a tie.

Most Vicious Insult: I don’t want to hand yet another one out to Jessica Simpson, but if even the President is mocking your mom jeans and excess “baggage,” something’s got to be amiss.

Most Consequential Resignation: Sarah Palin. Ummm… WHO is watching Russia NOW??

And with all due respect to the above recipients, Kanye West had the best public debacle of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Feel free to thank the academy.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

New Year's Reso - YOU - sions


Before beginning, I must disclaim: I am irreparably flawed. And every January 1st arrives with the same hopeful motivation combined with the looming presence of gross inadequacy. So, in an attempt to make 2010 less disappointing for me, I am giving up my usual resolutions and making new ones – for you, in the hopes that 2010 will annoy me a little less.

  • Stop looking for parking spots: Just stop. The first one you see is good enough and you could probably use the cardiovascular benefit of actually moving your own body around. My trips to Costco would be vastly improved if each lane in and out weren’t clogged by immobile Suburbans searching for a spot 100 yards closer to the door.
  • Leave your cell phone in your car/purse/pocket when in a grocery store, movie theater, restaurant, or simply around the general public. Your one-sided, high-decibeled conversation is ruining my shopping/eating/watching/breathing experience.
  • For the love of all that is holy, learn to drive a roundabout.
  • Stop carrying your dog in your purse. This doesn’t inconvenience me, but tremendously annoys me.
  • Please learn and retain the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Use this knowledge in your daily life.
  • Stop making films (this is non-applicable if your name is not Cameron Diaz, Keanu Reeves or Miley Cyrus).
  • Dispose of any and all personal items designed or endorsed by one Mr. Ed Hardy.
  • Stop trying to sneak explosives onto planes. I already have to get to the airport early enough, thank you.
  • Extricate the phrase “we need to talk” from your repertoire (you know who you are).
  • Emotionally accept that holding hands is the most you and your significant should do to show your affection in public. Ever.
  • Hold doors, tip waiters, say thank you, stop for pedestrians, smile, and cease any and all general douchebaggery.
Happy 2010.