Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Obsession Continues


I fell in love last night.

I'd like to publicly tell Jeremy right now that when the Bachelorette falls through (as it inevitably will), I'm here to pick up the pieces.

(Call me!)

Thursday, May 8, 2008

And the Husband Goes to. . .


I have recently developed a small obsession, the indulgence of which I fear is blurring the boundaries between fantasy and reality in my mind. I await each Monday night with the anticipation of a child (or, to be perfectly honest, myself) at Christmas.

I am, of course, speaking of The Bachelor: London Calling.

Never in our time has a love story been so genuine and unaffected: 25 girls compete for the love (and by love I mean diamond) of a man who seeks only his soul mate (and by soul mate I mean dual citizenship).

So you can imagine my delight when, a few weeks ago, I received the following voicemail:

"Hi Kristen, this is Sherry and I'm calling from ABC's The Bachelor. We received your application and photo online (thanks to a humorous friend) and are interested in having you on an upcoming season. I've also sent you an email . . . "

Now, flattering as the offer might stand, I felt I had to decline, though perhaps not for the moral/ethical reasons you might assume. No, I refused because, upon further introspection, I realized I've been living a six-year episode of "Utah: The REAL Bachelor."

Allow me to elaborate: The Bachelor is like Utah dating for the following reasons:

The Women: Tall, beautiful, accomplished. Fashion-forward with the ability to maintain grace while binge drinking and wearing stiletto heels. College degrees, real-life jobs and 401K plans. The clincher: An unwavering desire to get married. This month.

The Men: Possess the ability to walk upright and consider themselves worthy of 25 women competing for them.

Other similarities include:

First Date: A casual hangout at his pad (Arlington or Belmont)with him and 24 other women.

Third Date: Home to meet the parents.

Fourth Date: He proposes or tells you he'll never speak to you again.

Aftermath: Crying to to the tune of "Goodbye my Almost Lover."

The Ring: Paid for by someone else (either ABC or the groom's business-owning father).

The Scene: women, laying around wrapped in throw blankets discussing their romantic lives ad nauseum (the difference being that in Utah, the girls DON'T realize they're talking about the same man).

And so, I regret to announce that I will not be appearing in any upcoming season of The Bachelor, though I urge you all to nominate me to be the next Bachelorette.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Reasons I Miss Ann Taylor

No offense to Banana Republic intended..