Thursday, June 16, 2011

He Said/She Said

I’ve heard that marriage is all about communication (but to be honest, I haven’t really been paying much attention). That said, RP and I are lucky to get a good two hours of face time a day, what with our early-morning surf/pilates habits and my penchant for turning in around 9:45 (seriously, I’d be more comfortable in a retirement center than a sorority house).

But even those few short hours provide enough time for some good, old-fashioned miscommunication.

For example

K said:“This purse was such a good deal I had to have it.”

K meant:“This was a great deal, in that it was 50 percent off of its original $600.”

RP heard: “I got a great deal on this purse so I could sell it on eBay to make a profit.”

K said: “It’s so funny that now that I’m married I take the garbage out more than I ever have in my life.”

K meant: “Take the $&*# garbage out, you lazy dog.”

RP heard: “I think you’re funny.”

K said: “I had a long day.”

K meant: “Please cook me dinner and say something nice to me.”

RP heard: “I married you so you would support me. Why am I still working?”

RP said: “If you want two gym memberships you should buy the 2-year deal at Costco because it’s so much cheaper.”

RP meant: “If you want two gym memberships you should buy the 2-year deal at Costco because it’s so much cheaper.”

K heard: “I think you’re fat.”

RP said: “You look pretty. That dress shows off your curves.”

RP meant: “You look pretty. That dress shows off your curves.”

K heard: “I think you’re fat.

RP said: “Did you work out today?”

RP meant: “Did you work out today?”

K heard: “I think you’re fat.”

I don’t really see any problems here, folks.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Hanging the Hat

I threatened before, but you knew I couldn't end things until I had something else lined up (like the story of my dating life). From here on out, you can read my musings, reflections and failures in marriage, home and life in general at:

Yeah, I know that's not how you spell 'high." That name was already taken, so I'm pretending this is all a play on words.

See you there.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Food, TV and Tough Questions


It's no secret that I spend roughly 90 percent of my waking hours thinking about food: buying it, making it, eating it, throwing it up so I can eat more.... okay, just kidding about that last one. But honestly, checking my mailbox on any given day would likely make you assume I'm living with a bored 1950's housewife complete with pearls and a baby blue vacuum cleaner: Martha Stewart Living, Whole Living, Everyday Food, Food Network Magazine, Cooking Light, Food & Wine... you name it, I get it.

Then it's no wonder that my TV is constantly tuned to the network that cares as much for food as I do. And after hours spent in front of Food Network, my worries concerning a few of its star chefs can no longer be kept at bay.

- Does Ina Garten have any real friends? Or a real husband? Because in each of her episodes, she tends to follow successful gay men all around town trying to have a quick lunch with them (that she's spent the entirety of the morning preparing).

- Does Giada de Laurentes think she sounds more genuine by lapsing into a super-affected Italian accent when pronouncing the names of pasta or cheese? She's basically "California California California PARM-EH-ZGH-EE-AHH-NO California California.." Also, does she throw up everything she eats? Doesn't she know you can't trust a skinny chef?

- Is Sandra Lee just tipsy or raging drunk during her broadcasts? I know she likes to throw in a semi-homemade cocktail with each and every episode (even if that episode is food for a kids party), but I've become suspicious that's she'll be sipping tea with Linsay Lohan at the Betty Ford in no time flat.

- Does Bobby Flay realize that he will never, ever win Throw Down? Why does he keep trying? If the point of the show, as I suspect it is, is to simply highlight the best restaurants and foods in certain geographical areas of the United States, then why don't we just focus on that, instead of this competitive farce of baking a better chocolate chip cookie or grilling a better burger? C'mon Bobby.

- Worst cooks in America was doomed from the start. Do we watch Food Network to see BAD chefs? We may as well just tape ourselves in the kitchen and call it good.

- Paula Deen, you can do no wrong in my eyes. However, I highly doubt your cardiologist would share my sentiment.

Monday, February 14, 2011

February is for Lovers (and Black History)

Unfortunately, my lover isn't black.

But fortunately, he's decided to stick around awhile--Forever, in fact. Or so the current agreement stipulates.

That's why we got pictures taken. Well, that and to ensure that all our family and friends have a glossy black and white of us stuck on their refrigerator.

We're classy like that.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Musings Upon the Close of Another Year


Unlike less-pleasant events that take place on a yearly basis (i.e. DMV visits and OBGYN appointments), I thought it fitting--and dare I say amusing--to seal up a year concluded with my thoughts, questions and reflections of our dear 2010.

Buying drugs in Mexico is not as easy as everyone makes it sound.

Smuggling avocados into the United States may produce dire consequences.

In 2010 I received both cosmetic surgery and a large, perfectly-cut diamond. The relationship betwixt these events will remain one of the great mysteries of our time.

I've realized that my greatest fear about marriage is that I'll no longer be allowed to eat cereal in bed at 6 in the morning.

A 7-mile run really will solve most, if not all, of life's problems.

You don't have to be registered to run in the Hungtington Beach Turkey Trot if you pin a paper to your shirt and look like you mean business.

Friendships ended when both of you are on Percocet are usually repairable.

I am most popular among the under-12 and over-50 crowd.

Agreeing to marry a 33 year-old Mormon boy will guarantee his parents love you. For life.

Making it to the last week of December does not let you out of the woods. You could, for instance, receive two traffic tickets and a failed clutch that week. Maybe.

Lots of people care whether or not you wear a wedding dress to your own wedding.

Ocean water less than 74 degrees may as well be the North Atlantic.

If you're getting married in March, don't quietly reflect, once Christmas is over, that you have nothing to look forward to now.

Sometimes it takes 2 years to officially change your residence to a new state.

I will forever wonder how I succeeded in life without a Kitchenaid.

FroYo addiction is a very real and personal problem in our society today.

Just because you quit blogging doesn't mean you have to quit blog-stalking.

Most things are forgivable; even taking a week off for a surf trip but nada for your honeymoon. Sometimes.

Here's to a new year - maybe being a Mrs. will give me something more exciting to blog about than my paltry life alone.