Thursday, February 28, 2008

I'm in love.


Thursday, February 21, 2008

I find it disconcerting how much I look like Christopher Reeves


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

A Killer Romance

Dear Brandon,

Like the deepest romances of history, ours was fleeting. When we met, it was like the universe had thrown us together. You were Mormon; I was Mormon. We both had ties to Utah. We both had the same cynical, edgy rockstar thing going for us.

When we met, you were truly happy:
And so was I.

We had so much in common. You even started loving Christmas just for me.

When you got really, really into eyeliner,

I was right there with you.

But I had my friends,

And you had yours.
And well, we grew apart.

I got angry.

And you went insane.

You begged me not to leave.

And though it broke my heart, I had to say goodbye.

And even now, you think of me every time you sing.
Or so somebody told me.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Happy Belated Valentine's


Stay tuned for further tales of romantic disenchantment.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Pop-Culture Skill #1--The Self-Portrait

In an era of increasing self-absorption, few skills are as imperative as the self-portrait. I mean, how else are you gonna have, like the BEST myspace page on the net?? A true bearing of the soul--photography style, there are many forms the SP can take. Typically, the shot should appear as nonchalant as possible, preferably appearing to be the work of an overly-interested third party. Follow my guide and you too will be rocking default profile pics like all your greatest facebook heroes.

Now, the most difficult technique to acquire is correct arm placement. If too much of, say the elbow, shows, you're just another dumb kid with a camera. But if the angle is correct, you appear so interesting that random friends and acquaintances tend to snap your pic when you're going about your mundane daily tasks—like contemplating your existence in the world.

Example 1: Suggested Caption: "Oh, my, I didn't see you there. I was just thinking about poverty and capitalism and the downfall of western civilization."

While the above photograph exemplifies how deep you are, sometimes it's nice to also show a lighter side to life. Be silly and quirky, illustrating that you can show more than one face to the paparazzi.

Example 2: Suggested Caption: "My mom tells me my face might freeze this way."

You're fascinating. So fascinating, in fact, that you can't even sleep without your photograph being taken. Don't worry, we all sleep in flawless makeup. But please note: do not attempt this if you're merely an amateur; any and all signs that the snapshot is self-taken will strip you of any credibility.

Example 3: Suggested Caption: "My roommate thinks she's sooo funny." (apologize to your roommate later for making her seem totally creepy.)

Ah, the tragically beautiful. It's not enough to merely have a snapshot of yourself to display to the world. Give 'em a little depth, I say. Like in the below picture: can't you see how tortured and complicated I am? The first one says, "not now, I just popped a few valium." But add a glistening tear to the second and voila! We have angst personified in 8 megapixels.

Example 4 and 5: suggested caption: "Life." (exactly.. make them think about it.)
Oh, the mirror shot. Head cocked, hand on hip, severe expression: While it reeks of blatant egotism, you can usually pull this shot off with a self-deprecating caption. For further credibility, add "lol" to the end of nearly any caption. Tip: Do it in front of a dirty mirror. It's wayyy more edgy.

Example 6: Suggested Caption: "I'm a dork, I know! lol!"

For art's sake, self-portraits can be quite effective. Whether or not the shot appears to be first-person is almost irrelevant in this category. The subject is, after all, not inspired by egotism, but art. Singular facial features or body parts work well in this category.

Example 7: Suggested Caption: "All things bright and beautiful"

Remember, friends, practice makes perfect. And don't feel egotistical. We're doing this for posterity's sake. Well, and to break 1,000 myspace friends. Happy snapping.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

God bless the New Yorker


Ironic, as I tend to consider my blog as pointless, incessant barking.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Outsmarted, outspelled, thrashed, sacked and beaten


Dear New England Patriots,

At the close of a near-perfect season, there are few words that could bring a bit of comfort to a devastating end. Last night was not merely the loss of a game, but the loss of a title, a record, and, well, your reputation.

I offer my condolences in the form of empathy, for I know, all too well, the harsh reality of hard losses. Yes, I am speaking of the first time I lost a game of Scrabble.

Though it pains me to bring it up, I feel that you could use it as a bit of comfort during this hard time. You play football, I get it. It’s a little side hobby on Sunday afternoons.

But I’m a writer; if I don’t have words, I have nothing.

Tom, you can imagine my horror when I saw my first inferior score. It was like I’d been punched—or sacked—right in the stomach. You’ll still go home to Giselle, or find another Victoria’s Secret model to drown your sorrows in, but after my loss, I had no one. No one wants a girl who can’t put a few random letters together in the form of a semi-intelligible word.

I went home that night, my mind cluttered and dizzy with k’s and t’s, vowels meddling with consonants and spinning webs of chaos in my head.

So there was a sack here, an interception there. I challenged a word and lost an entire turn. Twice. How was I to know that “ais” is a three-toed sloth of South America?

A last-minute touchdown to win the game? Try "zipper" on a triple-word-score with only four tiles left to play.

Yes, you let some people down, lost some fans a bit of money. But you’ll get through it. Just as, months later, I blew the dust off my old board and reopened the velvet pouch, by next season you’ll have new resolve, and this loss will be but a dot on the radar of past disappointments.

Here’s to a brighter future for us both. Here’s to V-I-C-T-O-R-Y (double-word score, 30 points).