Friday, February 27, 2009

California, here we come.


As many of my readers may already know, due to your voracious appetite for the intimate details of my life, or the fact that I never shut up, I am moving to California.


Why leave Utah, you ask? The cold winters? The stifling landlocked blues? The seemingly mono-culture of it all?

Nah, I've just dated every man in Utah.
And so, dear readers, from here on out I will be updating you from Sunny San Diego (when I'm not walking on the beach, learning to surf or feeding dolphins).

Luckily, I have very real expectations of what Southern California will be like, since I have seen every episode of the OC, The Hills, and 90210.

Here are a few pics from my farewell to the beehive state. Utah, it's been a pleasure. California, I apologize in advance.


Friday, February 6, 2009

Stimulate THIS

Dear President Obama,

In the wake of this vast, global economic meltdown, I felt it was only my duty to step in and offer some sound fiscal advice. And, as your sole advisor not being tracked by the IRS, I understand the degree to which the American people are investing their hopes (let's be serious -- it's all they have left to invest) in my sage wisdom and fiscal advice.

So we've got a few hundred billion to spend. Well, look no further, Mr. President. I've got a grocery list that's gonna nip this little "crisis" in the bud. Forget the Endowment for the arts. Forget ACORN, forget anti-smoking programs. No, dear President. My method is fail-proof. And substantially cheaper.

So sit back, relax, smoke a cig and let me do the spending.

1. Breast augmentation for yours truly -- I look hotter, thus enticing men to work harder, longer and better in order to impress me with their vast success. Vast success = more money = more money spent on me. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

2. New car for yours truly -- I have a car I adore. I stop getting into accidents. State spends less money on police duty. State can spend money elsewhere. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

3. Free graduate school tuition for yours truly -- I get another degree = I make more money = I buy more clothing = I look hotter = successful men spend more money on me while I invest wisely in the stock market. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

4. All-expense-paid vacations for yours truly -- I leave my job vacant for weeks at a time = my boss is forced to hire temps = job creation. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

5. New home for yours truly -- I receive lavish home = men assume I'm wildly successful = men feel the need to out-success me = men make more money = men spend more money on me. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

6. Awarding me large chunks of stocks in Fortune 500 companies -- I appear as a wise investor = others look up to me as a beacon of fiscal hope = others invest more wisely. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

7. A blockbuster movie contract for yours truly -- We successfully make me famous = America sees the impact of one little person doing so much for the economy = America wants to do their own part for the economy by investing wisely and spending their money on me. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

President, fellow Americans,

No need to thank me.