Elbow, Elbow - Tisk, Tisk.

Surely there’s one thing this year’s Miss USA pageant has taught us – and no, it’s not that pancake makeup has a place outside October the 31st. No, this year we have learned there is nothing more important than concise, wise and eloquent responses to those challenging and thought-provoking interview questions.

And as the bar is raised each year (let us remember that merely two years ago most Americans didn’t have maps), I’d like to offer a basic study guide to any of my readers who have their sights set on the public service that is beauty-queening. Or, if you’re super old (you wrinkled 24+ readers), these questions might help you prepare for something equally rewarding – like the wife of the US Vice-President or ball-girl for the San Diego Padres.

As always, I’m just here to help.

xoxo

Q: What do you think the results of Obama’s financial stress-test say about the future of banking in America?

A: “I believe his stress-test just replaced sobriety tests as the FUNNEST to fail!”

Q: Do you think the so-called Swine Flu pandemic should be a cause of concern when normal flu viruses kill thousands of people a year?

A: “Did you not see the swimsuit competition? I haven’t eaten bacon in years. Can I please have a new question?”

Q: Drug use among high-school students has risen in past years. Why do you think more and more young people are turning to substance abuse?

A: “I’ve never done coke. I mean, like, I’ve seen it at parties. But I’d never do it – um, I’ve had friends do it, but I always passed. Well, I mean, maybe not passed per se. Um, can we talk about the Iraq?”

Q: What would you say to critics who claim that pageants objectify women?

A: “These critics do not understand the actual purpose for these pageants – which is to gain support for our values and beliefs and to make a difference in our communities. But if I’m first runner-up I’ve already made a deal for the July issue of Playboy.”

Q: Recently a US ship carrying humanitarian supplies was hijacked by Somali pirates. Do you think the situation was handled correctly?

A: “Absolutely. But I mean, with all due respect to Walt Disney Studios, I think the first situation was handled much more cleverly than the second and third. Although, I mean, sea monsters can be really hard to tackle.”

Q: Do you agree with President Obama’s decision to release the so-called ‘torture memos’ of the Bush administration?

A: “No, for real. I’ve never done coke.”