Christmas Cards 101

Dear Readers,

As you prepare your holiday festitivies, I wanted to offer some helpful assistance. I'm sure there are those on your Christmas card list to whom you don't know just what to write. Well, fear not, my festive friends, for I have provided holiday messages tailored for just that special someone. Go ahead: copy, paste, make these your own. You owe me nothing except undying devotion and your first-born child.

For the Muslim terrorist on your list:

"In the spirit of Christmas, we are giving you black Friday, pagan symbols and a month of vast materialism to use as future ammunition for your hatred."

For the bailed-out corporations:

"We hope your $600,000 holiday bonus courtesy of American taxpayers helps you finally understand the significance of 'It’s a Wonderful Life.'”

To your favorite Jewish friend:

“This year, I’ve decided to overlook your disbelief in Jesus when addressing my Christmas cards.”

To your friendly mail carrier:

"May the brightly-wrapped packages you deliver by the truckload not remind you of the absence of brightly-wrapped packages marked with your address."

To the drunk next-door:

“Here’s hoping you don’t pass out on rum-spiked cider until AFTER Santa visits.”

For the office flirt:

“We hope the office Christmas party gives you adequate reason to dress like a tramp, drink till you wobble and file a fresh 2009 sexual harassment suit.”

For the Wal-Mart employee:

“May you have better luck this Christmas than the customer trampled to death due to your cheap DVD players.”

To my insurance agent:

“At this festive time of year, we appreciate your generosity to those in need . . . except, of course, those in need who had three claims in 2008.”

To your most recent breakup:

“May the beauty of Christmas warm your heart, and also remind you that you will most likely die alone.”

To the odd relatives:

“As it’s Christmas, let us again acknowledge each others’ existence and chat briefly about vague and hypothetical get-togethers in the new year.”

To my readers:

"My you have enough self-awareness this Christmas to never use the above messages on any living person."

Turkeys overeating.

Thanks, Thanks, Thanks

In the excitement of the impending holiday week, I thought I would christen my November blog with a list of things I'm thankful for.

Originality, thy name is Kristen.

I am grateful that . . .

1. I live within a two-mile radius of Nordstrom Rack.
2. I have a nephew that I'm pretty sure is a Martian.
3. If I wear enough blush and style my hair just right in the morning, I can pass for not-a-boy.
4. Using only wide-leg jeans and 5-inch heels, I can create the illusion that my legs are impossibly long.
5. My sister's friends make me feel like I'm cool.
6. I have access to twins that never had to live in my uterus.
7. Pandora has an iPhone application.
8. Conor Oberst made a solo album this year.
9. No one was killed in my two at-fault accidents this year.
10. My insurance company was polite about our breakup due to #9.
11. The person hit in my second at-fault accident has finally stopped asking me out.
12. Cyber-stalker Kurt has not acquired my address or telephone number.
13. I somehow managed to get 3 free plane tickets to San Francisco last summer.
14. My friends are all wildly-attractive.
15. Costco is a very real and present part of my life.
16. My mother didn't disown me after I spiked her Diet Coke with Xanax.
17. The Japanese let us know that not cooking fish was even better than cooking it.
18. My siblings haven't told my parents I voted for Barack Obama.
19. Someone discovered cauliflower puree to replace mashed potatoes.
20. I have no friends with tricked-out civics.
21. A failing world-economy has given me lower gas prices.
22. I am never without a coupon for something free at Bath and Body Works.
23. My mom is a mom, not a BFF.
24. I got a fragment of my father's wit.
25. My brothers are the most handsome boys I know.
26. I have not yet been murdered by anyone I've dated.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!!

Libras on Parade

No satire here, people. October is for birthdays.

Stalker Update #1

Devotees might recall a certain "6'5",smellsgreat, engaging,laidback, educated, sensual, playfull" respondent to my Craig's List ad a few months back. This alluring Mr. K had previously solicited dinner with both my best friend and myself several years ago via MySpace when he responded to my innocent plea for a bed partner.

The plot thickens, dear friends, as I have now received the following message via FaceBook, and am left to wonder how many other ways random "smellsgreat" strangers might find to chat up young girls without being given any definite contact information.

So I post the following, for your reading pleasure, and as evidence (in the event that I go missing and the following "breadcrumb" is the CIA's one missing link).

"still not talking? hope your summer was good to you? it passes to quickly. what are you doing tonight? im craving cucnia tuscanos! ot tsunamis! lets get together for dinner and drinks., your time wouldnt be wasted. whats the harm?? ha (phone number removed)."

Truly, what IS the harm?