And the humiliation goes to . . .

If the excess of sweeping gowns and molded smiles on magazine pages and entertainment news stations wasn’t enough to tip you off, let it be known: award season is upon us.

Golden Globes, Oscars, SAGs, Emmys, Grammys, Tonys . . . it’s enough to keep Sunday night television around and People Magazine in business for three months of the year.

And while the accolades for actors, actresses, producers, directors, musicians and designers pile up, I find myself regretful that the year’s more spell-binding, more dramatic, and, let’s be honest, more entertaining “performances” aren't receiving the necessary attention.

So, in an attempt to give credit where credit is due, I’d like to offer the following awards, for a full and – umm – compelling 2009.

Best Multiple-Cheater Award: Obviously, this one goes out to Tiger. Lucky for David Letterman, this hit the fan just before the close of the calendar year.

Most Tasteless Relationship: This one’s a toss-up between the Mel Gibson/Oksana-whoever affair and the John Gosselin-college co-ed match-up. The Gibson duo have iced the cake with a pregnancy, but John Gosselin continues to sport an earring and way too much Ed Hardy. Obviously John wins.

Biggest Hollywood Weenie: Chris Brown. In fact, I’m convinced that had she not been seated in a limo, Rhianna totally could have taken him.

Most delusion self-image: “I’m more of a modern Mother Teresa.” – Heidi Montag. This statement might have actually been a bigger mistake than her music video (which is now burned into my subconscious, thank you YouTube).

Worst Idea of the Year: Socialized healthcare. There. I said it.

Best Pro-Athlete Let-Down: Michael Phelps? Alex Rodriguez? No. David Beckham. Why is he STILL married?

Saddest Rejection: Do we award this for Madonna’s inability to adopt another child? Or for Tony Romo dropping Jessica on her birthday? We’ll call it a tie.

Most Vicious Insult: I don’t want to hand yet another one out to Jessica Simpson, but if even the President is mocking your mom jeans and excess “baggage,” something’s got to be amiss.

Most Consequential Resignation: Sarah Palin. Ummm… WHO is watching Russia NOW??

And with all due respect to the above recipients, Kanye West had the best public debacle of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Feel free to thank the academy.