Dear President Obama,
In the wake of this vast, global economic meltdown, I felt it was only my duty to step in and offer some sound fiscal advice. And, as your sole advisor not being tracked by the IRS, I understand the degree to which the American people are investing their hopes (let's be serious -- it's all they have left to invest) in my sage wisdom and fiscal advice.
So we've got a few hundred billion to spend. Well, look no further, Mr. President. I've got a grocery list that's gonna nip this little "crisis" in the bud. Forget the Endowment for the arts. Forget ACORN, forget anti-smoking programs. No, dear President. My method is fail-proof. And substantially cheaper.
So sit back, relax, smoke a cig and let me do the spending.
1. Breast augmentation for yours truly -- I look hotter, thus enticing men to work harder, longer and better in order to impress me with their vast success. Vast success = more money = more money spent on me. ECONOMY STIMULATED.
2. New car for yours truly -- I have a car I adore. I stop getting into accidents. State spends less money on police duty. State can spend money elsewhere. ECONOMY STIMULATED.
3. Free graduate school tuition for yours truly -- I get another degree = I make more money = I buy more clothing = I look hotter = successful men spend more money on me while I invest wisely in the stock market. ECONOMY STIMULATED.
4. All-expense-paid vacations for yours truly -- I leave my job vacant for weeks at a time = my boss is forced to hire temps = job creation. ECONOMY STIMULATED.
5. New home for yours truly -- I receive lavish home = men assume I'm wildly successful = men feel the need to out-success me = men make more money = men spend more money on me. ECONOMY STIMULATED.
6. Awarding me large chunks of stocks in Fortune 500 companies -- I appear as a wise investor = others look up to me as a beacon of fiscal hope = others invest more wisely. ECONOMY STIMULATED.
7. A blockbuster movie contract for yours truly -- We successfully make me famous = America sees the impact of one little person doing so much for the economy = America wants to do their own part for the economy by investing wisely and spending their money on me. ECONOMY STIMULATED.
President, fellow Americans,
No need to thank me.
Friday, February 6, 2009
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7 comments:
I know you said we didn't need to thank you, but THANK YOU!
Honestly, if Obama really cared about grassroots initiatives he'd have the Reid/Pelosi cabal fast-tracking your New Deal ASAP.
ha ha I love it! That's the best idea I've heard yet.
This plan of yours. . . . would actually would work better than BO's Porkulous Package! I am totally on board. You should have run for Pres! No doubt you would do a better job than the very unqualified guy you voted for! (I am not holding any grudges. .. I swear)!!!!!
ha ha! you have really outdone yourself. too funny!
i thought of you the other day while i was at my dermatologist...no, not because i was getting a breast enhancement consultation. it was because (brace yourself this is a long stupid story)...i had to change in front of the dr to show her a mole, and i had my Gs on, not realizing i'd be giving her a personalized strip tease, and so i had to kind of explain my religious undergarment at which point she asked what religion i was. so i told her "mormon", and then she said, "oh, i didn't know brandon flowers was mormon." which was strange, because her saying that, made it so that she did, in fact, know. and i didn't know how to respond, so i dumbly told her, so was katherine heigl when she was growing up. awesome. what i should've said was, "my friend, and former work associate, is going to marry him as soon as he ditches his current wife." anyway, i thought of you, so um, don't you feel special?
I love it. I miss our chats; you're so witty, and I wish I had even a 1/10th of it!
Hee hee ha ha. You are a witty little thing :)
I am still laughing at your friend's doctor visit story, AwKwArD!
How did I not see this earlier? Kris, you are so funny!
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