Tuesday, March 11, 2008

"Et Tu, Chica?"



One thing is for certain: March is for betrayal. And Shakespeare fans take note: The Ides of March will swiftly be upon us. But if your good conscience or your new white carpeting prevents you from stabbing your best friend repeatedly in the back like our dear friend Brutus, I have compiled the follow methods of swiftly ending friendships. Put these into practice and soon you'll have the betrayal skills of a Roman assassin:

1. Every time you see her, give her a visual once-over and thoughfully say, "Hmm... what can we do about your outfit?"

2. Start out most sentences with, "Oh, your boyfriend wanted me to tell you. . ."

3. Ask her if you can borrow her favorite dress--for an 80's dance party.

4. Accept invitations with the qualifier, "love to, unless someone else calls me."

5. Ask for directions to her boyfriend's house.

6. For her birthday, give her a mirror with a note attached: "Hope this helps."

7. Tell her that she always reminded you of Margaret Thatcher.

8. Lose her sweater and then complain about the stress of having to look for it.

9. Run over her cat with your car and then reflect, "I like to believe that everything happens for a reason."

10. Cry for hours in her presence about your lack of friends.

11. Leave random, thoughtful notes on her car--reminding her to pick up your dry-cleaning.

12. Ask her repeatedly if she really thinks her boyfriend loves her.

13. Follow each of her actions with questions such as, "Are you going to eat that?" "Are you going to wear that?" "Did you just say that?" etc.

14. Ask her if the two of you can pretend not to be friends in public.

15. Create dating profiles for her on various sites under the screen name, "Blatant Desperation."


And beware, my friends, the Ides of March.

4 comments:

My Three Sons said...

So is this where the term "who needs enemies when they have friends like you" comes from? I have a few friends who have actually done a couple of these things - lack of propriety? - I think not, just self-absorbed egotistical yet insecure beings. :0)

My Three Sons said...

Luckily I am the perfect friend who would never utter a rude word to a single soul (hee hee)..

SHELLS BELLS! said...

Thank you for the warning about the Ides of March. I have printed and laminated a copy of the list you wrote and will be carrying it with me at all times for reference.

Kevin, Danica, & Claire said...

i think this is my favorite post thus far. thanks for the laugh!