January is for resolvers.... .

It has come to my attention that we are 15 days into the new year. It is normally at this point that I have successfully broken all of my New Year's resolutions, but in an effort to more valiantly improve myself, I am publishing mine for the world to see. There. Call me on it, if you dare.

For 2008, I resolve. . .

1. Court appearances will be kept to routine misdemeanors. (i.e., no drug trafficking, assault and battery, or 2nd-degree homicide charges in '08).

2. I'm whittling myself down to three personalities this year. So long, Samantha and Jorge.

3. In my dating world, I will only allow ONE state-hospital-escapee per month.

4. Learn to ski.

5. Withdraw all moneys from my swiss bank accounts before German gestapo close them.

6. Brutal honesty in 2008. Or 2009. Okay, 2010.

7. Break up Brandon Flowers' marriage in a coy enough manner to simultaneously attain his undying adoration.

8. Return all calls to parole officers.

9.Perfect the ancient art of piracy.

9. Convince the greater Salt lake area that there is no harm in sporting hot pink tights to work.

10. Listen to one song per week that DOESN'T make me want to overdose on painkillers.

11. Convince the world that Christmas need not be kept merely in December.

12. Settle the national debt.

13. Star in a major motion picture blockbuster.

14. Take my vitamins.

15. Date an Irishman.

16. Find out, once and for all, who shot John F. Kennedy.

17. Acquire an English accent.

(number 14 is optional.)