Men: Rhetorically and Categorically

2,615,929--The population of Utah in 2006.

Allow me to break this down. If there are 2.6 million people in Utah, it's safe to say that half of them are male. Of those, let's say a quarter are ages 20-40. That said, perhaps a third are single. (I feel I'm being liberal here, as this is the premier state for weddings.)

By my math, that leaves 108,997.04 single, eligible men in Utah.

Last year, I dated 107,837 of them.

I find this cross-section broad enough to make the blatant, perhaps offensive, generalizations that follow. In my dating experience (which as you can see, remains extensive), I have found that Utah men can be concisely packaged into the following categories, with only enough wiggle room to keep me, against all odds, still dating.

The Mormon Player

He's smooth. He's hot. He's what every girl wants. Or so his mother tells him every week at Sunday dinner. This is the boy we often see at the Malt Shop on Friday nights, dangling a new blonde freshman from his Polo sleeve. His daily hour at Gold's gym is as obvious as the hearty dose of Aqua Di Gio that wafts from his general direction. Usually named "Brett, Tyler or Jared," and hailing from Sandy, this is the boy who holds out til the ripe age of 23 to wed. You know, to give the ladies a fair shot.

Indier Than Thou

His hair is long. His jeans are tight. He makes you feel infinitely uncool. And even while you're dating, you have the sneaking suspicion that he despises your general being. Your music sucks. Your movies? Juvenile. You know nothing of art and you have no right to claim an affection for anything European. His ex-girlfriend understood him, and the chances that you will are about as slim as you fitting into his Diesels. He doesn't wear cologne but rocks four different iPods as his daily accessories. Often spotted at the Broadway on weekend nights, you'll know him by his blatant sense of enveloping disdain.

The Wanna-be Indie Than Thou

You know you've found him when he says, "I like really, really underground music. Death Cab for Cutie's doing amazing things right now." He wants to hate you, but instead he really, really digs you. Nonetheless, he feels the need to constantly tell you how disconnected he is from you and life in general, meanwhile disqualifying aforementioned statements by calling you sweetheart at every available opportunity. He makes you mixed cd's burned to the brim with Dashboard and the Killers, and writes poetic blogs that make you cringe.

The Perpetual Frat-Boy

The Mormon player plus 10 years. The PFB is still sighted with blonde freshman, but a hipper joint, like PF Chang's, is generally preferred. A luxury car and a private bedroom at Arlington are all that separate these from the MP's of yesteryear. PFB's were once engaged, usually around age 24. Since then they've had serious relationships once every 5 years, and find themselves still living across the hall from their "very best friend and former mission companion." PFB's play golf on the weekends, where they tell their friends (who double as their roomies) all about current blonde freshman.

The Overeager Identity-eater

You get the sneaking suspicion that he's assessing your every move while filling out an imaginary checklist. First date conversation consists of family aspirations and your opinion on the feminist movement. He is unimpressed by your hobbies, instead, asking you whether you believe if "breast is best" when it comes to infant feeding. While you're pleased he's overlooked his disdain for formal female education long enough to take you to dinner, you can't order the chicken without him asking whether you know how to make it. He prefers his women in twin-sets and starts most statements with, "my mom says . . ." By date three you're either engaged or mentally lynched, so OIE's tend to be off the market quickly.

The Gem

He doesn't need his mother to tell him he's perfect. He just is. He's smart, sassy, down-to-earth and wants everything you do. Anytime you find a gem, you think to yourself, "this is it," only to find that said gem is making every other single Utah girl think the same thought. You see, gems know of their rarity, and thus, the playing field is broad and open. And the players? Well, temporary. Gems marry for the sake of procreation just shy of their 40th birthday. Their children, wife and home are undeniably perfect.

*Above categories are strictly hypothetical and, though containing obvious truths, remain (fingers crossed) subject to change.