If only not breathing were in style this season.
I find that there are few more painful processes in life than searching for the perfect denim. We live in a society where jeans are a wearable calling card of social status as well as the wrapping paper of a perfect physique. Well, I am neither a glowing socialite nor a Calvin Klein model, so jeans shopping, for me, could be its own chapter in the writings of the Marquis de Sade.
While we aim for this:
This is, generally, the end result:
The hunt goes something like this:
1. Stop eating. Two to three days prior to scheduled shopping trip, liquids and chicken breasts are your only allowable sustenance, preparing the body to be pinched, dragged, squeezed and tucked into thick and unforgiving denim.
2. Keep an open mind. Your size? Negotiable. I like to wander the racks of Sevens, Joe's, Rocks, Papers, and take anything from size 27 (feeling good) to 30 (an act of total and complete resignation).
3. Experiment. Lie on the floor, lean back, bend over -- whatever it takes to get the suckers zipped. Sometimes I get creative, hopping up and down in the dressing room, hoping that the inertia of my descending body will be enough to lodge my thighs firmly in the pants.
4. Big girls DO cry. It's okay to be upset. Feel free to call the jeans names. Assume the pants were mis-marked. I like to tug the guilty pair off and throw them in the corner, glaring at the faded blue heap on the floor. I mutter something like, "You stupid, sorry, joke of a jean. You're ugly, disgusting, and not remotely fashionable. I hate you." Disregard the confused, yet fearful, look the salesgirl shoots at you.
5. Come to the general assumption that you can live a successful life in skirts, dresses, and stretchy pants.
Jeans? Superfluous. Denim was sooo last year.
3 comments:
ok i have to tell you that i had a hard time even getting down to reading this post as i just saw the picture of the body that i will NEVER HAVE (lets be honest, God knows that I would just walk around naked with a sign that says, LOOK AT ME!) which is why i am a bit more like picture two.
sigh- great post, suggestion, less fabulous bods next time
Kristen . . . Libbie here, just crackin up over all your posts . . . . I always knew you were amazing. Maybe I could pay you to write some posts for me, so people will think that my life is a little more exciting! Oh, and that I am well educated!
Seriously though, you are looking great. Congrats on the graduation. . . . maybe you should move up here and be closer to Nicole . . . .. That way maybe she wouldn't want to move!!
Hey, I told you not to post that picture of me (photo #2)! Kidding...I like to think I'm somewhere inbetween those two photos...but, fingers crossed, my quest for anorexia will be rewarded soon and I'll end up looking more like picture #1! p.s. You shouldn't be too worried if you can zip up sevens in a size 27 brat!
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