“No Harm in Casual Texts?”

I love text messaging. If your name resides somewhere in my phone book, chances are you already know this.

7 a.m. goes something like this:

(phone ringing)
K—A groggy “yeah?”
Unidentified texter— “Why were you up so late last night?”
K—“I went to bed at ten.”
UT—(laughter)
“I got a text from you at 3.”
K—“It must’ve been another Kristen.”
UT—“Another Kristen with your same number?”

And on and on. Okay, so it’s a habit. I find that I would oft times rather text than actually talk. Texting is brief, concise and, well, I could always say things better in writing.

I confess that I sometimes engage in unsafe-texts. You know what I’m talking about: the kinds of conversations that should only be had in person. From time to time, I’ll receive a text that contains textually-inappropriate content. These I lock it in my phone—my own personal vault of amusement.

I now relinquish a small cache of textual clichés, in hopes that the etiquette gods will smile a little brighter on hopeless texters.

“About tomorrow. I can’t.”
First and foremost, he was referring to a date we had planned. I replied “Of course you can. It’s just Tuesday,” in order to learn him of his textual misgivings. “I can’t?” Come on. Put the revolver down and finish a complete thought. Secondly, breaking a date via text is just poor-mannered.

“I realize now that I’m in love with you.”
Come now. If you have to send your declaration through a wireless network, chances are it’s not the stuff of legends. A quick ‘love ya,’ is one thing, but a verbal admission of undying affection? Save the 10 cents.

“What am I supposed to say? We’ve had an entire relationship of text messages. That should say something.”
Right, my friend. It does. It says a lot. In fact, it says so much that I’m cutting this explanation short.

“I think I just broke my leg. Help?”
Give a girl a warning. I found this message 3 hours after it was sent. By that point she was x-rayed, casted and discharged and I was the chick who doesn’t bother to help her broken friends.

“We’re just in different places. I think it’s best we end this now.”
My reply to this one is, “that’s probably best. I shouldn’t text while I’m working. See you tonight.” Bad form. We don’t break up via text messages (Nor do we break up when we’re not dating, but that’s a separate blog altogether.).

“You’re brother’s with me. It’s going to be okay.”
Shove your fist in my heart and squeeze; needlessly frightening texts are not accepted here. (Note that had this ACTUALLY been a frightening situation, the text would have then been inappropriate by a separate rule).

“All night the voices in my head were telling me not to let this one go.”
We don’t talk about the voices in our heads. Via text or otherwise.

"Why don't we do this: I took a long lunch so I'll have to work until 6, so maybe we should just meet up in . . ." If you're going to send an email, send it to a computer.

Take note, dear texters. You may consider yourself a key-pad pro and I have no doubt your thumb dexterity is off-the-charts, but without the proper sanctions and the above guidance, well, you’d just have bad texts.