Undesignated Drivers

Memorial Day motorists beware: American drivers are slacking. And as we gear up for a long weekend (let’s breathe a mutual sigh of relief), I found this CNN.com article of particular interest.

According to article, one in five American drivers can’t pass a written driving test.

At first this shocked me (and, as a self-proclaimed terrible driver, I am not easily-shocked), but the more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized, this is the perfect excuse to spend this Memorial Day doing nothing.

So, if you’re one of the elite 80 percent with the courage of your motor-skill convictions, why not let those other 20 endanger someone else this holiday weekend? After all, three free days in a row are the perfect opportunity to:

• Watch all six seasons of Lost once more in a vain attempt at comprehension.
• Write those long-overdue letters to those political leaders who have showed unsatisfactory performance (wait.. we only have three days?).
• Send that 2010 Census back (or at least answer the door this time).
• Meet your neighbors, so you don’t look like a hermit when the Census guy comes around asking about them.
• Gather your “papers” into one convenient, mobile container (this applies only to Arizonans).
• Try not to spill any oil.
• Buy a new hot tub with the money you saved on gas for the weekend.
• Quietly judge the crowds of women lined up to see yet another Sex in the City movie.
• Become enraged with the men judging the women lined up to see yet another Sex in the City movie.
• Lose a bunch of money in the stock market. Wait. . . .
• Formulate and promote a new, ill-conceived stimulus plan to sink the nation into greater debt (this is applicable only if your first name is Barrack).
• Practice driving tests online for the self-fulfillment of being among America’s (80 percent) elite.

Happy Memorials, friends.