An American Emblem

Fearless, bold, and free, the bald eagle invokes the firmly-planted seeds of patriotism to swell in all of our chests. After all, the distinguished bird, with its proud posture and undying determination has been our nation’s emblem for more than 200 years, gracing our currency, coins and every nook and cranny of Washington DC.

But with this hearty introduction I, with regret in my heart and sadness in my pen, suggest that this beloved bird no longer symbolize the true American.

Or at least the true American man.

Sure, the eagle is domineering, likes the beach, and is opportunistic in his every mannerism. But, I sadly concede, the bald eagle mates for life.

For life.

That means that Mr. BE (bald eagle), upon winning dozens of eagle-like sporting events, doesn’t flee his fine-feathered-(girl)friend for 10-20 be-beaked escorts.

Nor does he leave his plumaged partner in the nest with her brood of chickadees to pursue life on a reality television show.

And we know he doesn’t run for office while discreetly perfecting his “wide stance” at his favorite watering hole.

Not to mention that our favorite winged one is also known for its courting rituals, wooing the female with “elaborate calls and flight displays.” Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but I only receive elaborate calls when cell minutes are free and football season is over. And as for flights, my mother taught me long ago that there’s always expectations attached to free vacations.

Ah, the eagle. A fine testament to what Americans could be. Perhaps Ben Franklin was right about that turkey after all.