New Year's Reso - YOU - sions

Before beginning, I must disclaim: I am irreparably flawed. And every January 1st arrives with the same hopeful motivation combined with the looming presence of gross inadequacy. So, in an attempt to make 2010 less disappointing for me, I am giving up my usual resolutions and making new ones – for you, in the hopes that 2010 will annoy me a little less.

• Stop looking for parking spots: Just stop. The first one you see is good enough and you could probably use the cardiovascular benefit of actually moving your own body around. My trips to Costco would be vastly improved if each lane in and out weren’t clogged by immobile Suburbans searching for a spot 100 yards closer to the door.

• Leave your cell phone in your car/purse/pocket when in a grocery store, movie theater, restaurant, or simply around the general public. Your one-sided, high-decibeled conversation is ruining my shopping/eating/watching/breathing experience.

• For the love of all that is holy, learn to drive a roundabout.

• Stop carrying your dog in your purse. This doesn’t inconvenience me, but tremendously annoys me.
  

• Please learn and retain the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Use this knowledge in your daily life.

• Stop making films (this is non-applicable if your name is not Cameron Diaz, Keanu Reeves or Miley Cyrus).

• Dispose of any and all personal items designed or endorsed by one Mr. Ed Hardy.

• Stop trying to sneak explosives onto planes. I already have to get to the airport early enough, thank you.

• Extricate the phrase “we need to talk” from your repertoire (you know who you are).

• Emotionally accept that holding hands is the most you and your significant should do to show your affection in public. Ever.
  

• Hold doors, tip waiters, say thank you, stop for pedestrians, smile, and cease any and all general douchebaggery.

Happy 2010.