I have recently developed a small obsession, the indulgence of which I fear is blurring the boundaries between fantasy and reality in my mind. I await each Monday night with the anticipation of a child (or, to be perfectly honest, myself) at Christmas.
I am, of course, speaking of The Bachelor: London Calling.
Never in our time has a love story been so genuine and unaffected: 25 girls compete for the love (and by love I mean diamond) of a man who seeks only his soul mate (and by soul mate I mean dual citizenship).
So you can imagine my delight when, a few weeks ago, I received the following voicemail:
"Hi Kristen, this is Sherry and I'm calling from ABC's The Bachelor. We received your application and photo online (thanks to a humorous friend) and are interested in having you on an upcoming season. I've also sent you an email . . . "
Now, flattering as the offer might stand, I felt I had to decline, though perhaps not for the moral/ethical reasons you might assume. No, I refused because, upon further introspection, I realized I've been living a six-year episode of "Utah: The REAL Bachelor."
Allow me to elaborate: The Bachelor is like Utah dating for the following reasons:
The Women: Tall, beautiful, accomplished. Fashion-forward with the ability to maintain grace while binge drinking and wearing stiletto heels. College degrees, real-life jobs and 401K plans. The clincher: An unwavering desire to get married. This month.
The Men: Possess the ability to walk upright and consider themselves worthy of 25 women competing for them.
Other similarities include:
First Date: A casual hangout at his pad (Arlington or Belmont)with him and 24 other women.
Third Date: Home to meet the parents.
Fourth Date: He proposes or tells you he'll never speak to you again.
Aftermath: Crying to to the tune of "Goodbye my Almost Lover."
The Ring: Paid for by someone else (either ABC or the groom's business-owning father).
The Scene: women, laying around wrapped in throw blankets discussing their romantic lives ad nauseum (the difference being that in Utah, the girls DON'T realize they're talking about the same man).
And so, I regret to announce that I will not be appearing in any upcoming season of The Bachelor, though I urge you all to nominate me to be the next Bachelorette.
8 comments:
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!
WE ARE IN A FIGHT!!!!!!! I am so mad that you turned that down. That would have been hilarious.
I can't believe you passed that up . . . . I mean . . . come on! I would have loved to see you on national TV working your magic. Who wouldn't want to do that???
I still think you should be on the show, if for no other reason than to keep me thoroughly entertained! (just kidding, Mom & Dad would be less than pleased with me if I pushed you to be a contestant on the bachelor!) Maybe they could do a special one just for you: The Bachelorette, SLC calling, featuring all mormon boys :) HEe hee...
watch last night? went for the bimbo. she's 3 years away from being a washed up, colligen injected, cancerous, lush. they deserve each other. and i thought YOU were addicted to lip gloss...
You should have done it! I would have love to seen on reality TV! You would have my favorite! Do you call and vote for your favorite on the bachelor? Call them back and tell them you've reconsidered! Love ya!
I obviously can't spell! let me re-write that!
You should have done it! I would have love to of seen you on reality TV! You would have been my favorite! Do you call in and vote for your favorite on the bachelor? Call them back and tell them you've reconsidered! Love ya!
It would be great to see a LDS woman on the Bachelor. I can understand that out there in Utah it is like living it.
That isn't the case in Jersey though, maybe someone should nominate me for the Bachelor because I am not going to move to UTAH!
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