It's no secret that I spend roughly 90 percent of my waking hours thinking about food: buying it, making it, eating it, throwing it up so I can eat more.... okay, just kidding about that last one. But honestly, checking my mailbox on any given day would likely make you assume I'm living with a bored 1950's housewife complete with pearls and a baby blue vacuum cleaner: Martha Stewart Living, Whole Living, Everyday Food, Food Network Magazine, Cooking Light, Food & Wine... you name it, I get it.
Then it's no wonder that my TV is constantly tuned to the network that cares as much for food as I do. And after hours spent in front of Food Network, my worries concerning a few of its star chefs can no longer be kept at bay.
- Does Ina Garten have any real friends? Or a real husband? Because in each of her episodes, she tends to follow successful gay men all around town trying to have a quick lunch with them (that she's spent the entirety of the morning preparing).
- Does Giada de Laurentes think she sounds more genuine by lapsing into a super-affected Italian accent when pronouncing the names of pasta or cheese? She's basically "California California California PARM-EH-ZGH-EE-AHH-NO California California.." Also, does she throw up everything she eats? Doesn't she know you can't trust a skinny chef?
- Is Sandra Lee just tipsy or raging drunk during her broadcasts? I know she likes to throw in a semi-homemade cocktail with each and every episode (even if that episode is food for a kids party), but I've become suspicious that's she'll be sipping tea with Linsay Lohan at the Betty Ford in no time flat.
- Does Bobby Flay realize that he will never, ever win Throw Down? Why does he keep trying? If the point of the show, as I suspect it is, is to simply highlight the best restaurants and foods in certain geographical areas of the United States, then why don't we just focus on that, instead of this competitive farce of baking a better chocolate chip cookie or grilling a better burger? C'mon Bobby.
- Worst cooks in America was doomed from the start. Do we watch Food Network to see BAD chefs? We may as well just tape ourselves in the kitchen and call it good.
- Paula Deen, you can do no wrong in my eyes. However, I highly doubt your cardiologist would share my sentiment.
