As you prepare your holiday festitivies, I wanted to offer some helpful assistance. I'm sure there are those on your Christmas card list to whom you don't know just what to write. Well, fear not, my festive friends, for I have provided holiday messages tailored for just that special someone. Go ahead: copy, paste, make these your own. You owe me nothing except undying devotion and your first-born child.
For the Muslim terrorist on your list:
"In the spirit of Christmas, we are giving you black Friday, pagan symbols and a month of vast materialism to use as future ammunition for your hatred."
For the bailed-out corporations:
"We hope your $600,000 holiday bonus courtesy of American taxpayers helps you finally understand the significance of 'It’s a Wonderful Life.'”
To your favorite Jewish friend:
“This year, I’ve decided to overlook your disbelief in Jesus when addressing my Christmas cards.”
To your friendly mail carrier:
"May the brightly-wrapped packages you deliver by the truckload not remind you of the absence of brightly-wrapped packages marked with your address."
To the drunk next-door:
“Here’s hoping you don’t pass out on rum-spiked cider until AFTER Santa visits.”
For the office flirt:
“We hope the office Christmas party gives you adequate reason to dress like a tramp, drink till you wobble and file a fresh 2009 sexual harassment suit.”
For the Wal-Mart employee:
“May you have better luck this Christmas than the customer trampled to death due to your cheap DVD players.”
To my insurance agent:
“At this festive time of year, we appreciate your generosity to those in need . . . except, of course, those in need who had three claims in 2008.”
To your most recent breakup:
“May the beauty of Christmas warm your heart, and also remind you that you will most likely die alone.”
To the odd relatives:
“As it’s Christmas, let us again acknowledge each others’ existence and chat briefly about vague and hypothetical get-togethers in the new year.”
To my readers:
"My you have enough self-awareness this Christmas to never use the above messages on any living person."
