Kristen is working on her tan. More to come.

California, here we come.

As many of my readers may already know, due to your voracious appetite for the intimate details of my life, or the fact that I never shut up, I am moving to California.

TOMORROW.

Why leave Utah, you ask? The cold winters? The stifling landlocked blues? The seemingly mono-culture of it all?

Nah, I've just dated every man in Utah.

And so, dear readers, from here on out I will be updating you from Sunny San Diego (when I'm not walking on the beach, learning to surf or feeding dolphins).

Luckily, I have very real expectations of what Southern California will be like, since I have seen every episode of the OC, The Hills, and 90210.

Here are a few pics from my farewell to the beehive state. Utah, it's been a pleasure. California, I apologize in advance.

xoxo

Stimulate THIS

Dear President Obama,

In the wake of this vast, global economic meltdown, I felt it was only my duty to step in and offer some sound fiscal advice. And, as your sole advisor not being tracked by the IRS, I understand the degree to which the American people are investing their hopes (let's be serious -- it's all they have left to invest) in my sage wisdom and fiscal advice.

So we've got a few hundred billion to spend. Well, look no further, Mr. President. I've got a grocery list that's gonna nip this little "crisis" in the bud. Forget the Endowment for the arts. Forget ACORN, forget anti-smoking programs. No, dear President. My method is fail-proof. And substantially cheaper.

So sit back, relax, smoke a cig and let me do the spending.

1. Breast augmentation for yours truly -- I look hotter, thus enticing men to work harder, longer and better in order to impress me with their vast success. Vast success = more money = more money spent on me. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

2. New car for yours truly -- I have a car I adore. I stop getting into accidents. State spends less money on police duty. State can spend money elsewhere. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

3. Free graduate school tuition for yours truly -- I get another degree = I make more money = I buy more clothing = I look hotter = successful men spend more money on me while I invest wisely in the stock market. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

4. All-expense-paid vacations for yours truly -- I leave my job vacant for weeks at a time = my boss is forced to hire temps = job creation. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

5. New home for yours truly -- I receive lavish home = men assume I'm wildly successful = men feel the need to out-success me = men make more money = men spend more money on me. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

6. Awarding me large chunks of stocks in Fortune 500 companies -- I appear as a wise investor = others look up to me as a beacon of fiscal hope = others invest more wisely. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

7. A blockbuster movie contract for yours truly -- We successfully make me famous = America sees the impact of one little person doing so much for the economy = America wants to do their own part for the economy by investing wisely and spending their money on me. ECONOMY STIMULATED.

President, fellow Americans,

No need to thank me.

Stalker Update #2

Yes, oh yes. Another update. I seem to hear from our dear Kurt with every change of the seasons. Have I responded yet? Not remotely. Don't think that will sway our brave little soldier.

As far as punishment goes, gluttony: thy name is Kurt.

"hope your holidays were good to you! its crazy how fast it comes and goes. I love the new feeling of a new year. a new beginning. goals. etc. a chance to become better in all things. or at least some things. i just got back from san diego. i spent most of last week at my sisters beach house. and mountain house. amazing restaurants. I left 70 degree weather to return to 12 dregre weather! ha what was i thinking!? oh well. i love it. how was your christmas?? "

Christmas Cards 101

Dear Readers,

As you prepare your holiday festitivies, I wanted to offer some helpful assistance. I'm sure there are those on your Christmas card list to whom you don't know just what to write. Well, fear not, my festive friends, for I have provided holiday messages tailored for just that special someone. Go ahead: copy, paste, make these your own. You owe me nothing except undying devotion and your first-born child.

For the Muslim terrorist on your list:

"In the spirit of Christmas, we are giving you black Friday, pagan symbols and a month of vast materialism to use as future ammunition for your hatred."

For the bailed-out corporations:

"We hope your $600,000 holiday bonus courtesy of American taxpayers helps you finally understand the significance of 'It’s a Wonderful Life.'”

To your favorite Jewish friend:

“This year, I’ve decided to overlook your disbelief in Jesus when addressing my Christmas cards.”

To your friendly mail carrier:

"May the brightly-wrapped packages you deliver by the truckload not remind you of the absence of brightly-wrapped packages marked with your address."

To the drunk next-door:

“Here’s hoping you don’t pass out on rum-spiked cider until AFTER Santa visits.”

For the office flirt:

“We hope the office Christmas party gives you adequate reason to dress like a tramp, drink till you wobble and file a fresh 2009 sexual harassment suit.”

For the Wal-Mart employee:

“May you have better luck this Christmas than the customer trampled to death due to your cheap DVD players.”

To my insurance agent:

“At this festive time of year, we appreciate your generosity to those in need . . . except, of course, those in need who had three claims in 2008.”

To your most recent breakup:

“May the beauty of Christmas warm your heart, and also remind you that you will most likely die alone.”

To the odd relatives:

“As it’s Christmas, let us again acknowledge each others’ existence and chat briefly about vague and hypothetical get-togethers in the new year.”

To my readers:

"My you have enough self-awareness this Christmas to never use the above messages on any living person."