Thanks, Thanks, Thanks

In the excitement of the impending holiday week, I thought I would christen my November blog with a list of things I'm thankful for.

Originality, thy name is Kristen.

I am grateful that . . .

1. I live within a two-mile radius of Nordstrom Rack.
2. I have a nephew that I'm pretty sure is a Martian.
3. If I wear enough blush and style my hair just right in the morning, I can pass for not-a-boy.
4. Using only wide-leg jeans and 5-inch heels, I can create the illusion that my legs are impossibly long.
5. My sister's friends make me feel like I'm cool.
6. I have access to twins that never had to live in my uterus.
7. Pandora has an iPhone application.
8. Conor Oberst made a solo album this year.
9. No one was killed in my two at-fault accidents this year.
10. My insurance company was polite about our breakup due to #9.
11. The person hit in my second at-fault accident has finally stopped asking me out.
12. Cyber-stalker Kurt has not acquired my address or telephone number.
13. I somehow managed to get 3 free plane tickets to San Francisco last summer.
14. My friends are all wildly-attractive.
15. Costco is a very real and present part of my life.
16. My mother didn't disown me after I spiked her Diet Coke with Xanax.
17. The Japanese let us know that not cooking fish was even better than cooking it.
18. My siblings haven't told my parents I voted for Barack Obama.
19. Someone discovered cauliflower puree to replace mashed potatoes.
20. I have no friends with tricked-out civics.
21. A failing world-economy has given me lower gas prices.
22. I am never without a coupon for something free at Bath and Body Works.
23. My mom is a mom, not a BFF.
24. I got a fragment of my father's wit.
25. My brothers are the most handsome boys I know.
26. I have not yet been murdered by anyone I've dated.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!!

Libras on Parade

No satire here, people. October is for birthdays.

Stalker Update #1

Devotees might recall a certain "6'5",smellsgreat, engaging,laidback, educated, sensual, playfull" respondent to my Craig's List ad a few months back. This alluring Mr. K had previously solicited dinner with both my best friend and myself several years ago via MySpace when he responded to my innocent plea for a bed partner.

The plot thickens, dear friends, as I have now received the following message via FaceBook, and am left to wonder how many other ways random "smellsgreat" strangers might find to chat up young girls without being given any definite contact information.

So I post the following, for your reading pleasure, and as evidence (in the event that I go missing and the following "breadcrumb" is the CIA's one missing link).

"still not talking? hope your summer was good to you? it passes to quickly. what are you doing tonight? im craving cucnia tuscanos! ot tsunamis! lets get together for dinner and drinks., your time wouldnt be wasted. whats the harm?? ha (phone number removed)."

Truly, what IS the harm?

Swing Vote?

Recently I've been overwhelmed by the amount of political commentary aimed in my direction.Four or five emails a day fill my box, links to Newsweek or Fox News or some appeal to view Matt Damon's home video on YouTube. Text messages beg to know if I love Obama, hate Palin, am attracted to the John McCain of yesteryear, or whether or not you can really put lipstick on a pig.

Dear readers, I must say, the result of all this political pressure is making me feel terribly self-important. In fact, I feel that there is so much riding on my opinion that I am swiftly considering adopting five or six African children and dedicating my life to the UN.

That said, I feel that I should clarify why my vote should not trouble your sensitive political ideals.

Self-importance, though a trademark of mine, should be kept slightly lower than the national terrorist threat level. And if you wouldn't walk into an airport at red, you wouldn't want to hang around me at orange.

Decisions aren't my strong point, people. Those who know me well know I can barely decide whether I'm dating or single, blonde or brunette. I sway between law school and med school, mozzarella and goat cheese, and am too busy wondering whether to order from Nordstrom or Bloomingdale's to decide the best policy for foreign wars.

I live in Utah. The effect of my vote on the future of this nation is about the same as the effect of sex education on rottweilers.

I am ill-equipped to be a political spokesperson. While keeping up on current events (in the form of celebrity gossip and fashion trends), I get the bulk of my political information from Steven Colbert and Perez Hilton.

So, if you must continue to send me your political recommendations, I merely say: be forewarned that those appeals could be better aimed at someone a little more caring, slightly more intelligent, and a great deal more important.

Contact me directly for P. Diddy's phone number.

A Dark Confession on a Dark (K)night

It's true what they say--summer is a time of freedom: sunbathing, beach-frolicking, barbecues... and summer blockbusters. I generally embrace these activities with the energy and enthusiasm of Tom Cruise on an Oprah interview.

However, I feel that I have fallen terribly behind the herd this summer. And I come forward, filled with grief and humility to confess: I have not yet seen The Dark Knight.

Now my dear readers, before you make rash judgments, exit from this window or erase my number from your cell phones, I'd like to lay out my defense so that perhaps, after careful deliberation, you might find it in your hearts to forgive this painful and ridiculous folly.

The following will outline the reasons to which I have not yet partaken of the movie event of the summer:

1. I refuse to believe that Heath Ledger is dead. Or wears makeup.

2. I haven't had a rabies shot in years, and bats of any kind tend to overwhelm me with unease.

3. Christian and I are barely speaking these days.

4. I'm still bitter they cast Maggie Gyllenhaal over me.

5. No one invited me to the movie.

6. I recently saw Spiderman for the first time, and I'm sorry, but it was just a matter of too many superheroes, too soon.

7. I worried that seeing Batman save the world might lead to me engage in several fantasies involving Christian Bale. (Oh wait, that's just a typical Friday night.)

8. I can't risk being caught seeing a non-independent film.

9. I care too much about world hunger and curing cancer to participate in something as frivolous as movie watching. (If you need me I'll be at Nordstrom.)


So there it is, folks. You've seen my case. Make your judgments.