Hot 19 Year-Olds Needed

Yes, dear readers, you read it right. And no, I haven't joined forces with Girls Gone Wild, nor have I accepted any of my recent offers to 'launch' my 'acting-slash-modeling-slash-escort' career.

Nope. In a completely characteristic stroke of selflessness, I'm writing this on behalf of the West's most eligible young missionary - the handsome, strapping, sensitive Aaron Radford.

He needs hot girls. Well, let me clarify. He needs hot girls who dig pen-pal type relationships and have a thing for delayed gratification. And since I am but a 26-year-old Californian who lacks access to a wealth of just-graduated mormon cuties (not to mention that I'D never write letters ad nauseam to a boy who lacked the time and geographical convenience to spend all day complimenting and/or buying presents for me), I come to you, dear readers. Below is an excerpt from A-Rad's last heartfelt plea:

"kristin* i need your help..i need hot girls to start writing me so i have some prospects when i get home...heres my address...send me cookies and i love you...thanks for everything sis....love

(address available upon request)

hey seriously about the girls..ha ha...but for real, serisouly..just show em some pics from my facebook or something..hey i love you...im lookin forward to snickerdoodles..hey go home sunday..i get to call! i dont have your number! call mamma bear..i love you."

I'll take care of the snickerdoodles, people. You take care of the girls. Peruse the pics -- I offer all this plus some rockin' taste in music and a lil bit 'o spanish romance.

(Fine, the third one isn't of him, but it's a great picture and writing an ENTIRE blog about someone else is EXHAUSTING).

xoxo

*It need not be held against the lad that he cannot spell his favorite sister's name correctly.

Elbow, Elbow - Tisk, Tisk.

Surely there’s one thing this year’s Miss USA pageant has taught us – and no, it’s not that pancake makeup has a place outside October the 31st. No, this year we have learned there is nothing more important than concise, wise and eloquent responses to those challenging and thought-provoking interview questions.

And as the bar is raised each year (let us remember that merely two years ago most Americans didn’t have maps), I’d like to offer a basic study guide to any of my readers who have their sights set on the public service that is beauty-queening. Or, if you’re super old (you wrinkled 24+ readers), these questions might help you prepare for something equally rewarding – like the wife of the US Vice-President or ball-girl for the San Diego Padres.

As always, I’m just here to help.

xoxo

Q: What do you think the results of Obama’s financial stress-test say about the future of banking in America?

A: “I believe his stress-test just replaced sobriety tests as the FUNNEST to fail!”

Q: Do you think the so-called Swine Flu pandemic should be a cause of concern when normal flu viruses kill thousands of people a year?

A: “Did you not see the swimsuit competition? I haven’t eaten bacon in years. Can I please have a new question?”

Q: Drug use among high-school students has risen in past years. Why do you think more and more young people are turning to substance abuse?

A: “I’ve never done coke. I mean, like, I’ve seen it at parties. But I’d never do it – um, I’ve had friends do it, but I always passed. Well, I mean, maybe not passed per se. Um, can we talk about the Iraq?”

Q: What would you say to critics who claim that pageants objectify women?

A: “These critics do not understand the actual purpose for these pageants – which is to gain support for our values and beliefs and to make a difference in our communities. But if I’m first runner-up I’ve already made a deal for the July issue of Playboy.”

Q: Recently a US ship carrying humanitarian supplies was hijacked by Somali pirates. Do you think the situation was handled correctly?

A: “Absolutely. But I mean, with all due respect to Walt Disney Studios, I think the first situation was handled much more cleverly than the second and third. Although, I mean, sea monsters can be really hard to tackle.”

Q: Do you agree with President Obama’s decision to release the so-called ‘torture memos’ of the Bush administration?

A: “No, for real. I’ve never done coke.”

And... Since I can't Facebook...

What does one do to showcase her new life in California?

She posts the photos on her blog, of course.

Now accepting visitors.

The Age of Information Over-Sharing

After a two-month hiatus, basking in the glow of swine flu and the Southern California economy, I've decided it was time for my much-anticipated return to the virtual world. Why, you ask? Well, with auto manufacturers collapsing, banks failing and disease spreading like a Hollywood rumor, I found it imperative to write about . . . Facebook.

Yes, Facebook. These are hard times, my dear readers, and no one knows that better than yours truly, who was recently - ahem - DUMPED by the king of all social networking.

It was a perfectly normal Thursday. And after a long day skirting the San Diego freeways I merely needed a cold glass of Crystal Light and a gluttonous helping of information-oversharing. But, as I logged in, I was met with the following message: "YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN DISABLED."

Why, you ask? Well, so did I. Upon further research, the disabling of my account was due to an "egregious" (yet unknown) violation of Facebook's terms of use.

Well this got me thinking. And thinking. And thinking some more. And then I thought, how is it that I have unwittingly committed such a violation to a TEENSY code of conduct and been expelled from the widespread circle that is all things Facebook, when everyday - EVERY SECOND! - thousands are committing gross violations of common decency in the name of status updates and wall posts!

So, as an excommunicated member of Facebook, I would like to give the following advice to those of you who still remain in the favor of the social networking gods.

STATUS UPDATES

Please, people, keep it pithy. We don't care if you just took milk out of your fridge. We don't need to know that you have PMS. We aren't looking for you to pour out your moral dilemmas or emotional upsets in 140 characters. We aren't aching for obligation to counter your self-deprecating update with a multitude of compliments. And we do NOT desire to be privy to your spiteful statements of revenge or offense. The following are status updates that should never have happened:

[Violator 1] just ate a burrito.

[Violator 2] thinks that guys who cancel dates an hour beforehand didn't deserve a date in the first place!

[Violator 3] just wonders if there really is anyone out there for her, or if she'll just be alone indefinitely like she is tonight, looking for cookies and melancholy music.

[Violator 4] wishes someone would ask her out already. What's wrong with me?

[Violator 5] is now single and loving every second of it!!!

[Violator 6] is broke and really needs anyone who owes her money to pay up!

WALL POSTS

On to wall posts. I cannot stress this concept enough - There are phone numbers. There are real email addresses. There's even a "send a message" option WITHIN Facebook. Why then, I ask, do I continue to receive wall posts that should be emails. Wall posts that should be phone calls. Wall posts that should never have been communicated in any form whatsoever?

[Violator 1] I should have told you awhile ago, but I decided that everyone who lived in the house in the last six months now owes $80 for the gas bill. This is because we got behind on the bill, have had late fees, and there were some months some people didn't pay. I decided we'd all just split the balance that remains. Oh, how have you been since you moved out three months ago?

[Violator 2] Who's the ugly dude in your pictures?

[Violator 3] Hey, I haven't talked to you in 7 years! You look great! It looks like you've lost some weight since high school. How did you do it? Do you recommend a certain diet? How many calories do you eat a day? Do you work out? I'm just looking to lose about 30 pounds and would really love your advice.

[Violator 4] Thanks again for last night.

[Violator 5] So, just out of curiosity, are you still dating that doctor that will prescribe anything to anyone? I actually DO think I have ADD and anxiety and am in a lot of pain all the time, so if you could give me his number, that would be great.

So, dear friends, as I hang up my Facebook hat and bid farewell to the close friends I haven't seen since the second grade, I urge you to use prudence in your virtual exhibitionism, lest you be a new victim of the tragically overexposed.

xoxo,

K

Kristen is working on her tan. More to come.